I Wish I Knew at 13

I distinctly remember the first time I went through anxiety/depression. I was in 8th grade, 13-years-old, and clueless. I didn't know what was going on, the room was spinning a lot, especially when I was thinking, I would get all nervous for no reason, my heart would race and act unpredictably. One minute I was fine, the next I was writhing in fear--for no reason. In fact, I remember thinking I was going to die, but I didn't know why. I remember the thoughts of, "Why am I here?" and "Wouldn't everyone be better without me?" for the first time. I used to believe those thoughts were true. I know I shouldn't have. But, I digress. In a way, no one noticed. Everyone thought I was dieting, and that's why I was losing weight.

I went from a 14 to a 10 in a matter of weeks (and, I'll be honest, in a twisted way, I wish this would happen again.) I couldn't eat. Food looked unappetizing. Because of this, I couldn't concentrate at all in school. Then, over the summer I turned 14, and found my muse. I remember always being in my room and writing. In a few short months I had a ton of screen plays and poems written. It was wonderful, like when I was in grade school and would write stories for fun. Writing is what pulled me out of that terrible time. Unfortunately, it didn't last long, because over Christmas I ended up binging and gaining all of the weight, plus more, back. I remember feeling sad, because some of my friends were fighting and I was caught in the middle of it all. Let me just say, high school friends suck sometimes. Jumping to today, I'm able to recognize the symptoms of anxiety and depression and I can try to stymie a bout.

That's not what I wish I knew at 13, though.

I wish I knew that I had people/friends who now look up to me...even calling me perfect, self-confident and beautiful (I recant these statements--I don't think they're true.) But, what I wish I knew at 13 is that I needed to talk to people about what I was going through. I've been battling with these illnesses for a long time, and I wish I could help more people understand that there are ways in order to feel self-confident even when you might not be. There are ways to battle those evil feelings. YOU NEVER seem to totally let go of the thoughts, but you NEVER let them get to you. You are not your mistakes (as HOprah says). You are a person who might have made a mistake-but a mistake is not human. You are. You are better than you think.