When I Feel This Way...
**Disclaimer: This is a rant, feel free to read or ignore as you wish. I just ask that you not pass judgement.***

I am worthless.

I've felt this way my entire life. I've never been smart enough, pure enough, thin enough, selfless enough, good enough or rich enough for my mother. I'm not her favorite, in fact sometimes I wonder if she even likes me. I'm pretty sure that if she had had a choice, she would only have sons. Anyway, I've always felt this distance with her and the more I am away from her, the more it seems that she wants to tighten it by controlling who I am.

I've always been the free spirit in the family. I jump at once-in-a-lifetime chances regardless of how much money it might take or how much I'll have to train to get to that point. I'm a risk taker--I like to live life like it's my last day. She, on the otherhand, seeks to live a life of comfort. One where she knows that everything is well taken care of.

When I was a child, she had to know exactly what I was doing and where I was going, which is fine for most parents. But, when she asked those questions, what she really meant was: I'm telling you that you're going here and you're doing this. I didn't have a lot of choice as to what I'd do. But, she'll be the first person to tell you that I'm the most selfish person in the world.

Yes, there were times that I rebelled, such as joining 4-H and being in band, but for the most part, she got some type of recognition out of all of my accomplishments so it ended best for her.

I didn't have any really great childhood/teenage friends. Yes, I have some that I still talk to when I go home, but we're not buddy-buddy, nor are we best friends. I didn't go out and party, I didn't call anyone up and talk for hours. Instead, on her insistence, I got a job and worked for money which took up most of my time away from school activities. Friends really don't like it when you work or are at activities the entire time. They really don't like it when your mom is being overly nosy, either.

I should probably get this out of the way before I seague into the next part. My mother is about as tom-boy as they come. I, on the other hand, have a bit of tom-boy in me, but I'm also a girly-girl in so many ways (ie: makeup, hair styles, clothing). In fact, I didn't really learn how to wear make-up until Leah taught me during my first year of teaching. Before that I went face naked, because my mom had never worn make-up so I really didn't know either. When I did wear make-up, it was just a basic foundation, a little eye shadow and lipstick. Now, I do the whole moisturizer, foundation, blush, eyeliner, eye color, lip gloss, etc. thing. I'm more like my aunts than I am my mother.

Throughout the years, she's always stuck her claws into me. Whether it was about a boy, moving somewhere, teaching, etc. I wanted to stay an extra year at Dana, because I wanted to get some more English courses under my belt, instead of diving head first into teaching. But, she made point after point as to how much better it would be to start teaching right away. Yes, I know, I could have ignored her and made my own decisions, but I have been brought up to beleive that it is almost sin-like to disappoint people. So, instead of disappointing her, I decided to teach. WELL--we all know how that went.

The fight over graduate school actually began before I was tired, Christmas 2003 to be exact. Sometimes I think God had me fired that just to let me live how I want to instead of listening to her the entire time (yeah, I STILL don't have a clear answer on to why I was let go). Anyway, she was fighting wtih me to get a job that entire time when I was trying to get everything in to my grad. department. When I told her my decision she said that I have done things against her will before, so this decision is no different. WOW--what a heavy burden to put on your own child. I think that's why I'm so scared of failure here and freak out about it everyday. If I fail, she gets her way and she's right. Once again, it brings on the most worthless feeling a daughter can ever have. I don't have a cheerleader in my corner, I have a grim reaper.

I guess that money is more important in her life than her education. It's the exact opposite for me. Yes, I buy expensive things, I don't have a lot of savings, but I wouldn't give up my education for the world. I would rather live out on the streets with an education than lead a safe life without enlightenment.

Now, I'm not saying that I hate my mom. In fact, I do like my mom, regardless of our differences.

I have to admit that there's a lot of this that I wouldn't get through without help from my best friends.I have been blessed with some of the best friends in the world. In fact, you could say I'm spoiled. Two of my best friends live within 2 1/2 hours of me--so I get to see them somewhat often. But, even they have thier problems to deal with. I think it's a good thing that we having going on between us, we're each others therapists at times. Although, poor Jeff has to be a therapist more than anyone else, poor guy! I have a couple of other best friends who know exaclty what's going on in my life and they support me, too! I feel so liberated and free at times because of all these people!

Sometimes though, (we'll blame it on PMS this week) I just feel so depressed and alone. Someone couldn't believe it when I told him that I cry myself to sleep some nights. Guess what? It's true. When it feels that you have someone breathing down your back, watching for you to mess up, it takes a lot out of you. You would think it would make me work harder, but it doesn't. It makes me want to curl up and cry--I feel unwanted.

Sometimes, I wish that the phone would ring and tell me that I'm rich--so that I won't be criticized for being in school anymore--or that I have a job writing somewhere...anywhere, writing anything.

Sometimes, I wish the phone would ring... so that I don't feel alone.

I even wonder that if I weren't here anymore, would anyone miss me???