A Small Essay: Maybe It's Just the Time of Year
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Memories of past loves have flooded my mind for the past week. They are the boys and men that I have given part of my heart to, only to take it back and recede all moments, momentarily locking the filing cabinet in the back of my brain. Without reason, I descend into guilt as I think of each relationship and the implications resulting from my lack of adaptation. If only I had made more of an effort to do this, or do that. What if I didn't seek perfection, and just settled, I could be happy. Couldn't I?!

Each one of my relationships have dealt with men who were somewhat financially stable, somewhat intelligent, somewhat funny, somewhat outgoing...but somewhat's get me no where. I mean, if in some fantasy state I am asked by a genie what type of temperate climate I would like to live in, and I say, "Well, how about a somewhat warm one." I mean 72 degrees, what if the genie thinks 100 degrees is warm? Or, would you agree to marry someone for somewhat of a marriage? I think not! You want it all, or nothing--otherwise it's just not a marriage. Somewhat's are only part of what you want... I want a man who is stable, intelligent, funny, outgoing...etc.

I sometimes wonder if it's just me messing things up, though. Take the guy I'm currently seeing...he's nice, considerate, lets me be independent, listens to me (God forbid should he talk), but I just can't find myself to be smitten with him. In fact...this is asinine, I know, but hear me out...the first thing I told Leah was that his lack of posture drove me nuts, not to mention his sloppy wardrobe choices (money was not the issue for sloppiness). I know that I shouldn't be fixated on external issues, but I find myself driven to believe that "Because it's this way on the outside, that's how it is on the inside." Call me superficial. Call me shallow--I really don't care.

Now, I'm not saying that just because someone dresses down that there is something wrong with them. I dress in sweats and way too baggy jeans when no one is around--heck 90% of the time I don't wear makeup. But, when I go out on a date, especially the first few months, I'm always dressed nice, shirts tucked in, hair in place, contacts on the eye and actually wearing makeup. Except for a slight limp once in awhile, I'm pretty much dressed to impress...not saying that looks are important either, I mean, c'mon I'm a size 12/14 and am 5'8", looks really aren't that important to me.

Now, I know what you're saying, you're dressed for lust not love. And I'll admit, yes, I do wear those low cut necks for a reason, but it's not because I think I'll find a man that will just fall in love with my breasts. If that were the case, I'd probably have had a hundred loves by now. But, sometimes advertising your inner beauty with some outer beauty is helpful in finding love.

Don't even ask me what love is. I thought I knew what is was once, then it fucked me over. For some reason I thought if you had romance, that's all you needed. I was wrong. Love is the ability to mastermind individuality and assimilation--if that makes sense.

Then my overly independent nature kicks in and I have a more simple definition: When I find a man who will let me be me, without any questions or demands; this is called love.

Will I ever meet this man? Who knows...I sure as heck know I haven't passed him up, though.

At this realization the old memories saunter back into the locked filing cabinet, only to remind me that love is out there. The guilt is gone and I feel cleansed. I realize that I just have to keep searching for the elusive perfect man--going through some not-so-perfect ones--as he is out there (and I'll appreciate him more)...or

Maybe it's just the time of year...I believe that the rebirth of the earth has direct implications on the soul.